My Future Ex-Husband
I never wanted to get married. Its not so much that I was worried about divorce or unhappiness, it honestly just never occurred to me. I never dreamt of how my wedding would me and as I fantasized about my future, I was always alone.
When I was at university, I began to become more resolute in my standing on the issue. I adopted the line used by one of my women's studies professors, "You wouldn't join a sports club that had a history of excluding blacks and homosexuals and subjugating women. Why would you join the institution of marriage?"
Well, I ended up not having much of a choice in the matter. I fell in love with a Brit and the only way to stay in the UK was to get married*. So in 2001, we did it and I wore black.
Now, I do love Kevin, but most days the love shares the stage with intense exasperation. It is a fact that the man is the single most irritating being on the planet. The top 10 characteristics that make him have that place are:
1. He loses EVERYTHING. Keys, wallets, bank cards, mobile phones. He went through a 2 month period before Christmas where he lost something every week. The most astounding thing about it is that things ALWAYS come back to him. He suffers no long term consequences for his absent-mindedness. The best example of this is when I phoned him and the ticket office at Stirling station picked up and asked me if I knew if the person who owned the phone was, "A big bearded bloke with a baby." When I said that yes, that was him and I was unfortunately married to him, I was told to "give him a row." Which I did.
2. He hasn't done a load of laundry in 2 years. If he does manage to move something from the washer to dryer, he will not ever put anything away. It seems he has a strange form of carpal tunnel that prohibits any motion that resembles folding.
3. His cooking is more science experiment than culinary. I can't be in the kitchen when he cooks because I usually say something to the effect of, "What are you doing?"
4. He talks about work incessantly. At the minute, that means talking about 2 jobs...the one he is in and the one he is going to. I just can't understand it. I NEVER talk too much about any one thing, like slings, crafting or blogging.
5. He takes hundreds of self portraits. My computer is filled with them.
6. he has no respect for plans or lists. He would prefer to be spontaneous, even at the grocery store. Needless to say, we often have to make second trips.
7.He picks up a bit of every accent he hears...when we are in America, he actually says "bucks" like "it only cost 2 bucks". When we are with his South African family he starts saying, "Yah." and "Bett (bed)".
8. He owns about 40 work shirts. There is no room in the wardrobe for anything of mine because of all his shirts. However, he only wears about 5 on rotation.
9. He knows all of the words to the star wars movies. He can remember obscure lines from films made when he was an infant, but knocks on the door every morning about 2 minutes after he leaves because he has forgotten his keys/bag/phone/ipod.
10. He is the most wonderful father and husband I have ever seen in the flesh. His patience and understanding amaze me every day. He gives so much of himself to everything he does. He makes me laugh and keeps me in the moment. I am the luckiest woman alive.
*To the UK Government: Please note that this is not a sham marriage. I know you hate immigrants, as is obvious in the new Borders, Immigration and Citizenship Bill, but come on. Not every immigrant is trying to f*&^ the system, steal benefits, take jobs away from Brits. I just wish I didn't have to marry Kevin to make our relationship valid in your eyes